The Sexy Exploits of Ol' Snaggletooth

"Hang ten dude" cried the armies of dink dwellers deceiving THE man. FUCK my foreskin is coming loose Snaggletooth said matter of factly with a seductive rictus smeared across his cute little baby face, mmmmm I'd like to stick my penis in him. Snaggletooth buttoned his his new fleshlight and passionately kissed his picture of Heino afterwards proceeding to delicately place it in his butthole for safe keeping. Pierce is the best character, fuck you. Snaggletooth awoke in a strange place packed with dirty niggers. I must leave this shithole he yelled at the top of his lungs. I'm harpooning whales. He came upon his pants and then went to a rickshaw driver to lead from this treachery. Along the way Snaggly Waggly decided to use up his remaining supply of Opium to get hella crunk with tha boyz n tha hood. Whereuncpon the cock penetrated his earhole and shattered his eardrum leaving his hearing damaged and hos testosterone amplified. His shit stunk a stinky stinky smell that socked his slump shoulders he couldn't help but force it down his throat and for the first time in his whole life he felt pure and truly content.

All Dem Purty Gals

When you try to make Neil Young last all you get is doubloons, banal and bromidic. It's all just pissing in the wind" replied the gallant "cause I know it ain't you and i really gotta poo." He swept with a swashbucklin' rictus and proceeded to grab the hall pass to my coccyx. He's not the most practical chum he be a bit too cray cray and he has polio, only Jews and cripples contract their anus' and polio. The practicality of lepers is astonishingly erotic we shall end the night fisting; I object to the fisting but I'd really like to claim your ass. "OH NO" gasping pasping my rum tum tugger is tingling tumultuously my ritzy radius is rapidly recommending a regatta. His piss felt lukewarm on my brow as he fisted my squirrely anus, I thunked he was gon' brake my arms off. Shrek 2 has it all laughs, thrill but it goes deeper than that see, the themes of corporate struggle, urban decay, lusty revenge, revengeful lust, pseudo-socialism and lovin' spoonful caress this gem like a newly expelled poopoo. We's the droogie's hoss. Neil Inducted his unretrained anus into the crevasse of her mouth with his fist still firmly placed in the Lizard King.

Cream Suzy, Eat My Dunkaroo's

Elite, eating their fastidious and flawless foodstuffs, stuffing their flapping gorges until retiring to their fornication chambers. Hemsworth, the Plump One sits across the room twirling his exquisitely trimmed mustache reciting a soliloquy he sits up and wanders to his quarter, until his breath is cut short he clutches his left breast and falls saying only one word "Requiem". Denizens flock to the room to watch the breeding bull slide it's phallus into the supple lips of his mate the crowd cheers at the recent tugging at the strings of life and celebrate as the two climax simultaneously. Remmy, the Skinny One nibbles at his yellowed fingers glancing nervously from one corridor to another, he scuttles down until he reaches the quarter, as he glances behind one more time. The sky rains with the blood of the Unknown Soldier, some farm boys some urbanites the final cries of millions of young men and their softly spoken magic spells. Gertrude, the Final One sits reading her scrimshaw jeering at the scum wander aimlessly through the streets, she sits up, wipes her jacket roughly and starts towards the quarter, behind her stands the one true, Lizard King

Atlas Shrugged: The Squeakuel

I am the very temple of delight, veiled melancholy has her softened shrine, those seeing of none shall save him whose strenuous tongue can burst joy's grape against his palate wide. His soul shall taste the sadness of her might and be among her cloudy trophy's hung. The wayward vagabond blistering across the maelstrom of empty blithering ambitions. Their emotions a shriveled prune tossed away but like wreck on the ocean. The own denizens ethical egoism challenged. Blistering the uncouth actions reflected upon more frequently fortnight after fortnight. The massive truth an malicious act of malum en se corrupting the child's fragile eggshell mind, forever eating away of his dwindling innocence. His unpleasant rictus glaring across the sea of eager faces. An unpleasant taste washed across the sea of euphoria. A  state of tyranny, a tour de force tapping into the very trumpet of hope eating away at our eventual end. But where is this foaming messiah cast upon our rotting lives as a very beacon of promise. WAKE UP. A green monster by my bedside slithering ever so silently. His pilfered thoughts gently removing all conciseness from his growing insanity. There's been a slaughter here. The ankles of society have been gnawed, the motor of establishment stopped, the oedipal exuberant light darkened forever incarcerated in a gilded cage. And there stood The Lizard King

May Desmond enter you, always.

I AM THE LIZARD KING!!!

My Post of Resignation IN 3-D!!!!

Four score and seven years ago a great man created a blog entitled "Hard N' Sloppy." It left a wake throughout the internets leaving men, women and children stunned. Today marks the day of the end of that phenomenon, this is a the stake in a legacy of dreams, inspiration, hope, and phallic symbols. I will be taking a temporary hiatus from los Hard N' Sloppy due to the unfortunate purpose of declining quality. I may be returning to my duties (haha I said dutie) after a spiritual journey to the high mountains of northern Tennessee. I will probably be making posts after the Hanukkah season (December 20-28) I will attempt at another story arch similar to The Ballad of Billis The Home maker. And finally for my final touch of hilarity: Shuttlecock. That is all.

Your butt buddie, Thadius Buzz

Your Coccyx Is Oh So Very Sturdy

Ed said "trah" Ed said said "trah" Ed said said "trah." I'm proud of my uncle cause he stopped molesting me. Are you guys ready for penis inspection on Thursday? Oh yeah I'm pumped! Mommy said daddy and the lady across the street are more than friends and mommy caught them yucky wrestling and now daddy has to move far far away where he can't drink any more angry juice. The contents of my anus are purely confidential. What's this? Teddiursa is evolving into pedobear! The names Woody, Woody Dick. Tesla bum. Up with parliamentary legislation down with republican Donny Aruba. Uh-oh it's that time of the year again, the illegal immigrants are emerging  from their caves. Okay, lets get this harpsichord up your rectum. Sew your nipple back on with grace and finesse. A peppery anus is a healthy anus. Blossoming flowers spout from faeces of every man woman and child, it must be spring again. In Togo they like ewoks. See Harry run, see Harry play, see Harry get sodomized. Hey guys, so what is the circumference of you guys' scrotum's? I have a bone to pick with you Gaylord you said you weren't going to buy that Samoan sex slave before it went on sale and you went along and did it anyway and that just brings my piss to a boil don't you know we're on a budget!? Colostomy bags are groovy.

May Desmond enter you, always.

Angus P. Mortimers Traveling Show of Freaks

This man is leaking applesauce at an alarming rate we must patch him up posthaste. Squeeze my lemon till the juice runs down my leg. You are sentenced to having you scrotum cut off with a rusty license plate. I would like a full order of fellatio and a medium supersonic death ray.Bumper babies twice the fun of bumper cars and twice the mess. The Antichrist is a Republican. Gas mask fetishes. Charlie, those grubby immigrant kids from down the block are eating your flower garden again. McCains hot dogs: now with 56% less circus animal meat. Be sure to season your pubic hairs before consumption. A scrumptious parade of anus fingering. William Raudeefard shall we retire to the fornication chamber? If you wish Cheryl. I. Lock your doors the anus bandit is coming to town. Gravity! That's preposterous. My wife took my action figures and hid them on top of the fridge. Damn wife pisses me off sweet Jesus I can't stand her. It is uncanny how shiny your buttocks is.

May Desmond enter you, always

I Am Nothing But a Malaysian Farmer on Heroin

Your thighs are a bit too salty. Be sure to check your testosterone levels at least umpteen times a fortnight. Hip-hop: invented by dogs in 1896. I've got an excellent idea Raphael lets shove a syringe factory up our scrotum's. Daddy that cloud looks like mommy's boobies. Gobble gobble I homosexual rhinoceros who enjoys jumping rope and strawberry marmalade. Quickly get inside the bomb shelter made of popsicle sticks. Garfield's anus. Kryptonite pasta. When in doubt drink your own piss. Cows go moo and butts make poo. Grovelling penises  rolling down the hill, but it's too late. And since I am dead I can take off my head. You are on a train, across the room  you see a pair of beady eyes.You walk up to investigate but instead are swiped back by sheer force you look up to see the the only the seductive fatman. He's stares at soon enough you are swept into a desert in northern New Arizona and you think to yourself "REALITY HITS YA HARD BRO WOOSH! My parents were killed in a tragic rhino accident, but I guess life just keeps rolling on. OH, kiss me Udonkovich. My buttock is quite peachy. "Death to marmalade!" Yells the leader of the crouching ass crack tribe. Rhinoth they thcare little boyth assathinating parents don't bring them no joy that's Randy. Micheal you are a Transformers runing son of a bitch.

May Desmond enter you, always

Kill The Bantha and Run.

Well colour me excited Manwell I feel like urinating on a Vulcan. Run you gassy Mexican run. Rome wasn't built in a day nor was Sarah Jessica Parker's fallopian tubes. Just pop the hernia back in so we can get on with our lives, okay Manwell. Wavering sexuality, watch it as it floats across the ocean like a hot air balloon. Other worldly breasts. I feel like'a sexin' you up the, fat man returns once more. Sodomize me with a cricket bat. Spouting semen, eyes for nipples there's been an orgy here. Thumping wild binturongs enter the room "harvest his spleen" says one in a commanding tone. You see a binturong approach you with what seems like flame retardant a multi-coloured power drill with fishing tackle draped across it. But from across the room you see... the lizard king. Let's quarrel shouted Plutarch to Agamemnon. Nest in the anus. My nipples are burning with pure excitement. "Holy gazebos batman his nipples are on fire should we help him?" "Not today Robin, not today." Oodles and oodles and oodles of prostitutes for the taking. Your body is so uhhhhh euphoric (insert gratuitous sex scene). "What's buzzling you pal?" "I lost my puppy." "Well jump in my van we'll look for him together." Polygamy is hilarious. Ahahaha

May Desmond enter, you always

Merry All Hallows' Eve

                              BOO!

Damn Communists

Would you like some ear wax dressing on your semen salad sir, and would you like to add carbonated pickle juice and hummingbird beaks to make it a meal? Stoned Teenagers buying plastic wrap featuring Ian Gillan on the drums. Eat the baby fat it will guide you give you laser vision so you can shoot Greedo first. I'm a' slippin' all over the place this is such smooth jazz. EGADS! My nipple fell off! Would you be a lamb and help me find my missing nipple. You walk through the land of Cybertron and cross the border into Bedrock you see a man in a rhinestone jumpsuit with pink angel wings attached to it. Your phallus grows larger in excitement. As you get closer you see he is not any ordinary glandularly challenged fellow he starts doing Tai Chi. As he is in the process of switching from step back and repulse monkey position to the carry tiger and return to mountain position you cannot contain your excitement you dart across to him to make sweet love to the beautiful man he says two words "bulbous shuttlecocks" and he is gone. Pick your nose with a rusty coat hanger, pick your nose with a rusty coat hanger early in the morning.

May Desmond enter you always.

Unparalleled Abortion Clinic (Free Salami with Every Visit)

Moby Dick cocked his gun and said there was more to cum, I thought he was nuts but I guess I rubbed him the wrong way I wasn't gonna whack him around, he liked it rough. Rusty lemons attach the nipple clamp Kronk ELECTRIFY! Thilium and Thalium. The wheezing fat Italian eats a burger. Mmmmm how orgasmic, the ketchup drips onto his sweatpants he licks it up and with a twinkle of his eyebrows he is gone. The Morlocks are coming. As you ride the cowboy his yams harden, keep on truckin' broski. xXDr4g0n_Sl4yrlolz666911Xx challenges you to a duel. McGruff the crime dog says: "Get in my van kids I have candy in there!" Eat yo' eggs Clarence they's getting cold. Make love not Comic-Con. Donald together we can rule the multi-verse.You walk into the bathroom, you see Jack Nicholson shaving his pubic hair, you leave. BANG! I stole your lungs and taught a class of Mexican school children calculus. And that's the end of that story. Balls a' blowin'.

May Desmond enter you always

Eternal Brain Salad Lobotomy.

Slurp down your butt cheek milkshake we're going on an adventure. The groaning sweating pale gold Mexican wrestler chomps down on his bacon strips NONE SHALL PASS he bellows in a commanding tone. He swings his ugly stick and womps you dead on the noggin'. Fester Chester is the bester. Snnnnnarf. Erotic bagels swinging wildly in heat roaming the streets hot, loud, kissing the earth. Exit the weaving and onto the 45th annual Jolly Ranchers Watergate jamboree (fun for the whole family!) Such a free feeling to swim naked in highway ditches. The air is so crisp letting you unwind while you flex your naked body propelling about in a highway ditch. Some say it is uncouth. Well to that I say it is a counterculture movement, a way of expressing your dangling thoughts. And that my friends is the meaning of life: naked highway ditch swimming. Men, grab your Spandex jumpsuits we're going paint balling! Crouching jungle cat theif of danish pastry's we must find and skin the damned feline. Inside of every sasquatch embryo lies a glimmer of hope to retrieve our pastry's

May Desmond enter you, always.

Beyond The Cosmos as Sanity Exits Through the Back Door

The labyrinth of trees sing ever so softly the chorus line of I hope I get. Heads roll. Do not trust your bath mats they are stealing your semen. Across the room a fat man stares into your pecs, brushing his long wavy hair as it glows in the sunlight. He seductively beckons you to come closer. Lets gyrate around the clock tonight tonight we're gonna gyrate around the clock tonight. A large man approaches you and hands you a pack of canned farts saying only these words: North Dakota... , bitch I love you. Folding across the sea I AM THE LIZARD KING, I DO AS I PLEASE. I delved in the loose buttocks of gyration. I come across the land of the land of the people of the fanny pack. Eldward the Mr. mojo risin'. Embroider the steel metric ass ton of America! Beseech shoving up the bum and splish splish splishing. Gypsy seahorse wearing purple rainbow pants stylin' and profilin'.

May Desmond enter you always.

The Impeccable Finninbrum of Flin-Flon

Disclaimer: I apologize for the late blog post I was abducted by aliens studying the affects of cyanide laced sprinkles on the human body. Disclaimer part 2: As you may have noticed I have included ads im not selling out im just jewish. As Rutagar Ballfarm perches on a flaming deer anus and ponders by virtue of how to pickle human spleens. He gazes across the room to see the Bulgarian farm yard whore skims bare her pubic fluff. The friendly neighborhood troll squats while drinking a goblet of strawberry flavored jellied aardvark fat whilst exclaiming "The moon landing was staged." Fire logs howl at the moon plotting the destruction of the very sensual republican party. Can we be so blind every day millions of small children are swallowed by Gabe Newells fat rolls. Aghast the vixen sunlight Dick Cheney masturbates vigorously to the sounds of two wolf mating. The blue headed trolls climbs the tendrils of of truth only to reach Desmond.


May Desmond enter you always.

The Ballad Of Billis The Homemaker Part .2

Dedicated to Raniel Ralden for letting me harvest his organs. "But wet fart is rising" says I and proceed to shoot Rush Limbuagh directly through his left nut. I watch it as it explode with a fury of juices. I am happy. I crawl into the reaches of my new Ford Naked President, I listen to the radio DJ as he announces his plans of burning his wife with napalm. I envy him. I pull into the Sexy Sal Family Restaurant. "Spotted dick with a side of neeps" I say. Minutes later the waitress arrives with a plate of crispy ant testicles and creamy breast milk dipping sauce. "Thou craven wayward open-arsed swine!" I yell at the top of my lungs."This isn't my dick where is my dick" I say ruefully and proceed to shoot that swine of a waitress with a .60 calibre fully automatic M2 Browning machine gun (purchase one to protect your family.) I am sad.


May Desmond enter you always.

                                                         

As My Cerebellum Drops a Meadow Muffin

Why must colonoscopys be so painful. All I ask is that I may have butt polyps removed with the aid of a CCD camera with little to no pain in my tender ass hole. The sloppy fat of an undisclosed fat man is jiggling as he walks on a Sunday afternoon. What may the fat man be pondering perhaps the recent love affairs of Batman. (Spicy love affairs I may add.) As the paedophile mall Santa touched me at the ripe and tender age of 4 he muttered but a few words " keep holding on kid your great." As my butt polyps act up I sit here scratching my haemorrhoid fearing yet another painstaking colonoscopy. my mukluks scream as the jelly-faced woman all sneeze and the one with the moustache says jeez I can't find my knees. My extendo neck cranes down the shirt of Desmond. 


May Desmond enter you always.

The Ballad Of Billis The Homemaker Part .1

In utero: wandering the dark underbelly of the exploding fireplace. May Peter the fornicate never diminish the greatness of THUNDER COCKS. As I drive down highway 911,666  and enter higway 5,318,008 I  wonder of the thunder cocks in their valiant grace, I urinate in diminishing acrimony and pure white hot rankling vexation. why must urination conflagrate so? Much to my charging the walrus of misfortune bringeth me to the underground circus betwixt the gates of Cock munch. Ariel's a fox. As I wander these empty halls I harken to the unhealthy articulation of none other than Rush Limbaugh. "May Desmond enter you" he makes known as he lay upright through the walls of thunder cock. "No but wet fart is rising" says I. To be continued.


May Desmond enter you always.

In Which the Kinder Farms Rise

I mentioned in the past that your procreating sample: complete balderdash. As I sit and wait for the crows to disperse on this overcast Sunday morn I ponder what life would be like if Technicolor was still used in modern film making. Many Farms have come and gone on the Dewdney Trunk overpass most notably the burrows in which whom other than Aaron Peniswalker spends his days. Phallic joysticks have been a subject of debate in the past couple of decades and I say that hat the Republicans are saying is a caboodle of cockamamy claptrap. Betwixt the demeaning neighbourhood of Watts and Norway is a little yellow island of the north of Kahtmandu.

May Desmond enter you always.